same bro
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Employees must applaud the planets.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Canada has crack?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.