Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
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[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs