While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Name another movie that mislead you?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.