It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
You Might Also Like
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?