BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
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Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My background check bounced.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?