Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me