Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
FRED: right
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.