Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
So the ex texted me
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.