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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Roses are red
Violets are blue
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it