I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
This kid is a star!
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again