is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
You Might Also Like
Found the job I’m suited for
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.