I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.