Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
yes… yes…
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
(True)
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.