Things will get butter, keep churning
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
this could fix me
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”