My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
You Might Also Like
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.