[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
shit just got real
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking