If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
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People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone