I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.