Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
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I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Basically.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
lost dog
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny