The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Camping tip: No.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..