To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance