Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up