I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
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Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
good morning
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus