How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
he was correct
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Chemical wingman
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.