[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.