“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.