I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
12653.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No