If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
constantly working on myself.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
good for her
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.