Simple enough.
You Might Also Like
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days