being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?