Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now