*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
When you’re here for the treats.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*