Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*