Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My wedding will be open casket.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
S M O L
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.