Webb. James Webb.
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Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?