“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
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One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
step 6: release the wall snake
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys