Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night