Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field