Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.