I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable