When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.