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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I get distracted pretty eas
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
This is what makes twitter great