NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.