Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with