Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
New menu item
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
when you are just born a rebel
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?