4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
This classic never gets old . . .
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music