When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.