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You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Do not steal food from the science building!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.