First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
You Might Also Like
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent