My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay